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(sanskrit) bhAvAkUta n. the first emotions of love
 

100 Questions Before Marriage

2/21/09

My bestest friend ever was set forth to be married on Valentine's day 2009. It was the perfect day, right? It was a Saturday, it was Valentine's day... But somewhere along the way between her engagement and her marriage, things broke down. Things failed. And the marriage was cancelled. Not only was did her Valentine's day turn into the most horrible of days ever, she never got to marry the man she fell in love with.

The marriage was broken off because the boy's parents did not approve of some of the qualities that the girl held. If the partners were to have talked about these issues and asked each other all the pertinent questions, then the two of them could have broken up earlier and forgotten about all of this stuff.

The most important question to ask before you are married tends to be along the lines of how you two see your futures together. It better match and/or be complementary.

If you are getting remarried, you better ask questions before your remarriage to make sure you do not end up in a divorce the same way.

  1. How much have you talked about the issues which arise after marriage?
    ( Where are you at this point in the relationship? )
  2. Are you a Christian?
  3. Is there any impediment to this marriage?
    ( Divorce, pregnancy, etc.? If any, what has been done about it? )
  4. What are your temperaments?
  5. Why do you want to get married?
  6. Do you like each other?
    ( It is assumed that you are in love. )
  7. What irritates you most in his (her) conduct?
  8. Are you gratified by each other's manners?
    ( Sloppy, eating, etc.? )
  9. Do you treat strangers better than you treat your family members?
  10. How do you treat your mother and father?
    ( Portent of the treatment of a spouse. )
  11. How do you like your prospective in-laws?
  12. Are you easily offended?
    ( Are you sensitive at slights? )
  13. Do you have a sense of humor?
  14. Do you believe anyone should help you financially?
  15. What is your attitude about the wife working outside the home?
  16. Who will handle the checkbook?
  17. Are you going to pool all your resources?
    ( Separate accounts suggest possible problems. )
  18. How generous are you?
  19. What is your plan for budgeting?
  20. What is your attitude toward debt?
  21. How will you handle reverses?
    ( Unemployment, debt, sickness, etc. )
  22. Where will you live?
    ( House/Apartment/Room and geography. )
  23. Do you know the difference between sex and love?
  24. What will you do when you discover one partner is more highly sexed than the other?
    ( Likely the difference will be serious. )
  25. What books have you read on the subject of sex? On marriage in general?
  26. What will you do when you discover that he (she) is romantically interested in another person?
  27. When do you plan to have a child? How many children?
  28. What is your feeling about birth control? Are you well-advised?
  29. Are you flexible?
  30. Do you have the same interests?
    ( Books, athletics, music, education? )
  31. What is your attitude toward household chores?
    ( Dishes, lawn, etc. )
  32. What does Joan expect of Bill?
    ( Unreal expectations cause trouble. )
  33. What does Bill expect of Joan?
  34. From Bill's viewpoint, what does Joan expect of him?
  35. From Joan's viewpoint, what does Bill expect of her?
  36. Do you identify one's success and/or failure as success and/or failure for both?
  37. How will you handle each other's contradictions?
  38. Do you believe in careful, sensitive listening?
  39. Do you believe in talking over matters and sharing in decision-making for the family?
  40. Do you believe in counselors to help you solve personal problems?
  41. What are your long-range goals? Short-range goals?
  42. When did you have a physical check-up? What were the results?
  43. Where do you plan to go to church?
  44. How will you treat your religious differences?
  45. Are you willing to leave each other to God?
  46. Do you understand that leadership, in the Biblical sense, is gentle, considerate and loving?
    ( How is this applied? )
  47. Do you recognize your equality before God and each other?
  48. Do your parents (and friends) favor this marriage?
  49. Have you made all the arrangements for the wedding?

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

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