Friendship Was Just a Consolation Prize
by Anonymous Shaadi.com User (7/6/06)
I have committed the biggest crime of the relationship world. I fell in love with my friend. And the punishment is a lifetime sentence of pain and anguish.
I did not plan it to be that way. Getting to know her in the context of a friendship was vital.
We shared the same interests about most things and even when we didn't, we always found a compromise. We argued about minor things but always in the name of "getting to know each other". We shared the same outlook on life and communication between the two of us was fantastic.
I could always count on her to be there for me whenever I felt down. I became so comfortable around her that I shared my deepest and darkest secrets with her. I could talk to her about anything. And I feel cheesy whenever I hear her voice. Something as simple as hearing about her day made MY day.
Now I wake up every morning thinking about her and hoping that her email would be sitting in my inbox or a missed call of hers would be on my cell phone. Before I go to bed, I do everything I can to make sure her voice is the last one I hear. And if I don't talk to her for a day? Well, the sun might as well not rise that day.
After knowing her for so long, I now realize that she was the dream girl I had hoped to end up with and that I have fallen in love. My dream is that one day she will have the same epiphany as I have and tell me that she loves me too.
I had given her many hints that I was interested before falling in love with her, only to be subtly ignored everytime. I am 100% certain that if her desire for me was reciprocated, we would be together from the start as opposed to turning into great friends.
Friendship was just a consolation prize.
Love was not supposed to be like this. Life was supposed to be great the day I fell in love. I was supposed to be able to freely express my emotions to her and be loved back equally. I was supposed to be able to wake up with a smile on my face, not tears running down it.
I have known other ABCD friends turn into great couples and get married, and live happily ever after. But I have also seen many of my friends lose out on a great friendship by trying to start something. I have pushed in the past and I will push no more.
Instead, I feel pain. All I ever wanted was to be given the opportunity to date her. I asked for no committments, just an opportunity to see if a spark existed in the context of a romantic relationship. But the fact that I am apparently not good enough for her to date is tearing my heart to pieces.
I will get over all of this. I just have to forget about my love. Remove it from my heart and hide it under lock and key. It will linger in me forever until my dying day.
Now I compare every woman I meet to her. It is not fair because I am essentially comparing a girl I barely met to one that I love. Then I think about all the men she allows into her life and the type of guy she says she wants. But does she not realize that her description of the "ideal man" is right in front of her?
It is commonly said "You only fall in love once." For me, it is going to have to be twice if I have any hope of getting married.
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